People often assume that after the discovery of an affair, there
is nothing but pain and struggles ahead. Many people assume that
although a couple may give a half-hearted attempt to save their
marriage, this is mostly going to be a wasted effort, as couples who go
through infidelity never end up being OK.
Even the couples themselves can assume this. That's why you may be pleasantly surprised when you look around and realize that you're feeling just a little bit better and more hopeful a little while after the affair -- because you can not deny that you are your spouse are making some progress. And there is no denying that this feels good. And that the relief you feel is a nice contrast to the hopelessness that it replaced.
You may feel so good about this that you want to share it with others. You may want to confide in people who love you who have been worried about you. It's normal to want to ease their burden by letting them know that things are better. In the best of times, most people will be happy for you. But, in the not so best of times, some people can't hide their skepticism. And because they don't want for you to be hurt and they think that they are 'helping,' they may rain on your parade a little bit.
It could be described this way: "three months ago, I was feeling more hopeless than I ever had in my life. I had just found out that my husband had an affair. And I assumed that I was going to end up divorced and that my kids were going to be raised by a single-mother. This all terrified me and it made me look at life in a very pessimistic way. Very luckily, I had a lot of dear girlfriends who allowed me to lean on them. I am so grateful for this. About three weeks after the affair, my husband told me he'd found a counselor that he wanted for us to see. I was skeptical, but now I am her biggest fan. She has helped us so much. My husband and I are talking more than we have in years and are actually getting along and laughing together at times. I feel my heart lifting just a little bit. I am starting to feel relief that I never thought was going to be possible so quickly. I know that we have a lot of work to do. I'm not too stupid to realize that. But I can't help but feel a little hopeful. And of course, I wanted to share this with those wonderful women who supported me. I told five women. Three of them were happy of me and supportive. But two of them pretty much said: 'don't be a fool. Keep your guard up. Don't let him fool you twice.' I tried to explain the progress that we made in counseling and their response was basically: 'he just wants you think that you have made progress.' I love these women, but I am so disappointed. And now all of my relief has gone out of the window because now I'm second-guessing myself and thinking that they are probably right."
I know that this must feel very confusing. On the one hand, there is reason for celebration. And on the other hand, there is reason for disappointment. But from experience, I know that you have to take your victories where you can get them. And you have to make a choice about where to place your focus.
So two of the five women were less than enthusiastic. But three of the five felt exactly as you did. You can not win them all. And frankly, it is not the two pessimistic women's marriages that we are talking about. It is yours. To be fair to them, they probably think that their honesty is based on love. They are trying to temper your enthusiasm because they love you and they do not want for you to be hurt. Their heart is in the right place, but their actions are not.
My inclination would be to maintain their friendship, but to find something other than my marriage to talk about. I learned the hard way that when confiding about the affair, you have to carefully chose who is the best candidate for your confidence. Very few people are able to just step back and offer your their unconditional support without giving you their opinions and without lecturing you. But these are the people that you want and need right now.
I would suggest maintaining your hopeful attitude. You are intelligent enough to know that you still need to pay attention to what is going on around you, but nothing says that you can't do that while still celebrating the progress that you have made and still building on it. Reconciliations and saved marriages start with progress exactly like that which you have described. You have every reason to be hopeful. And you are doing everything exactly right.
There is no reason for you to let the opinion of others bring you down. None of those women are sitting in the counselor's office or in your home. So they can not evaluate things in the way that you can. I know that their reaction may have been disappointing. But right now, you need to focus on those things that can move you forward. And it seems that there is plenty of that in your life right now. Focus on the gratitude that you have for the progress you have made and keep it going.
Even the couples themselves can assume this. That's why you may be pleasantly surprised when you look around and realize that you're feeling just a little bit better and more hopeful a little while after the affair -- because you can not deny that you are your spouse are making some progress. And there is no denying that this feels good. And that the relief you feel is a nice contrast to the hopelessness that it replaced.
You may feel so good about this that you want to share it with others. You may want to confide in people who love you who have been worried about you. It's normal to want to ease their burden by letting them know that things are better. In the best of times, most people will be happy for you. But, in the not so best of times, some people can't hide their skepticism. And because they don't want for you to be hurt and they think that they are 'helping,' they may rain on your parade a little bit.
It could be described this way: "three months ago, I was feeling more hopeless than I ever had in my life. I had just found out that my husband had an affair. And I assumed that I was going to end up divorced and that my kids were going to be raised by a single-mother. This all terrified me and it made me look at life in a very pessimistic way. Very luckily, I had a lot of dear girlfriends who allowed me to lean on them. I am so grateful for this. About three weeks after the affair, my husband told me he'd found a counselor that he wanted for us to see. I was skeptical, but now I am her biggest fan. She has helped us so much. My husband and I are talking more than we have in years and are actually getting along and laughing together at times. I feel my heart lifting just a little bit. I am starting to feel relief that I never thought was going to be possible so quickly. I know that we have a lot of work to do. I'm not too stupid to realize that. But I can't help but feel a little hopeful. And of course, I wanted to share this with those wonderful women who supported me. I told five women. Three of them were happy of me and supportive. But two of them pretty much said: 'don't be a fool. Keep your guard up. Don't let him fool you twice.' I tried to explain the progress that we made in counseling and their response was basically: 'he just wants you think that you have made progress.' I love these women, but I am so disappointed. And now all of my relief has gone out of the window because now I'm second-guessing myself and thinking that they are probably right."
I know that this must feel very confusing. On the one hand, there is reason for celebration. And on the other hand, there is reason for disappointment. But from experience, I know that you have to take your victories where you can get them. And you have to make a choice about where to place your focus.
So two of the five women were less than enthusiastic. But three of the five felt exactly as you did. You can not win them all. And frankly, it is not the two pessimistic women's marriages that we are talking about. It is yours. To be fair to them, they probably think that their honesty is based on love. They are trying to temper your enthusiasm because they love you and they do not want for you to be hurt. Their heart is in the right place, but their actions are not.
My inclination would be to maintain their friendship, but to find something other than my marriage to talk about. I learned the hard way that when confiding about the affair, you have to carefully chose who is the best candidate for your confidence. Very few people are able to just step back and offer your their unconditional support without giving you their opinions and without lecturing you. But these are the people that you want and need right now.
I would suggest maintaining your hopeful attitude. You are intelligent enough to know that you still need to pay attention to what is going on around you, but nothing says that you can't do that while still celebrating the progress that you have made and still building on it. Reconciliations and saved marriages start with progress exactly like that which you have described. You have every reason to be hopeful. And you are doing everything exactly right.
There is no reason for you to let the opinion of others bring you down. None of those women are sitting in the counselor's office or in your home. So they can not evaluate things in the way that you can. I know that their reaction may have been disappointing. But right now, you need to focus on those things that can move you forward. And it seems that there is plenty of that in your life right now. Focus on the gratitude that you have for the progress you have made and keep it going.
One of the hard lessons we have to learn after the affair is that
not everyone can support us in the way that we need them to. That
doesn't mean that they don't love us or want what is best for us. It
just means that they don't know how to provide what we need. We have to
learn to be very picky about what we disclose and what we ask for. This
is all part of the process. You can read more about how I separated the good from the bad at http://surviving-the-affair.com
