Teenagers are the victims of their own inexperience. Anything
that shows up on their radar is about them. Your teen-ager is likely to
be confused and possibly angry about your divorce. Their biggest concern
will be how your decision to end your marriage effects them. Thus, they
are likely to see the end of their home as they know it as something
you and their other parent are doing to them, rather than just a bad
relationship between two adults.
Teenagers are not children. They aren't looking to you for solutions to their problems. They are more likely to share their concerns with, and take advice from, their inexperienced friends. This is normal, but it can lead to misconceptions about you and your reasons for divorcing. If you try to justify your decision, you will only prompt one of those arguments that end with screaming and door slamming.
Teens are used to being put under a social microscope themselves, and aren't the least hesitant to make judgments about what you and their other parent are doing to the family. In their minds, your divorce could be avoided if you cared about them, or your family. In their view, you are being selfish if you aren't doing everything you can to make their lives easier.
Don't be too hard on your teens. Pick your battles carefully. If your kid wants to defy your authority by wearing spiked, pink hair, cheer up, it will grow out and your child will grow up. If he uses your family problems as an excuse to do drugs, you will have to do anything in your power to stop him.
Don't impose rules on your teen. "Because I said so" and "do as I say, not as I do" has no credibility with a kid. Tell her what you expect, and tell her why. Listen to her responses. If you and she negotiate the rules together, she will feel more like she is living up to her end of a bargain rather then obeying a tyrant.
Again, consider your own adolescence. What you agreed to do was much more palatable then what you were forced to do., wasn't it?
The best thing you can do is listen to what your teen is telling you without judgment. Asking questions like "how did that feel?" or "how are you going to handle it?" is much more likely to end in an honest discussion then being angry or resentful about your child's attitudes and actions. judgments like "that was stupid" or "I thought I raised you better then that" only breeds frustration and mistrust. Kids always respond better to gentle guidance then they do to commands. They may not always make the choices you would have them make. However, they are much more likely to accept the reality of your divorce and adjust to the new situation if you give them time to come to their own conclusions, and give them the space they need to get their minds around the situation in an adult way.
Teenagers are not children. They aren't looking to you for solutions to their problems. They are more likely to share their concerns with, and take advice from, their inexperienced friends. This is normal, but it can lead to misconceptions about you and your reasons for divorcing. If you try to justify your decision, you will only prompt one of those arguments that end with screaming and door slamming.
Teens are used to being put under a social microscope themselves, and aren't the least hesitant to make judgments about what you and their other parent are doing to the family. In their minds, your divorce could be avoided if you cared about them, or your family. In their view, you are being selfish if you aren't doing everything you can to make their lives easier.
Don't be too hard on your teens. Pick your battles carefully. If your kid wants to defy your authority by wearing spiked, pink hair, cheer up, it will grow out and your child will grow up. If he uses your family problems as an excuse to do drugs, you will have to do anything in your power to stop him.
Don't impose rules on your teen. "Because I said so" and "do as I say, not as I do" has no credibility with a kid. Tell her what you expect, and tell her why. Listen to her responses. If you and she negotiate the rules together, she will feel more like she is living up to her end of a bargain rather then obeying a tyrant.
Again, consider your own adolescence. What you agreed to do was much more palatable then what you were forced to do., wasn't it?
The best thing you can do is listen to what your teen is telling you without judgment. Asking questions like "how did that feel?" or "how are you going to handle it?" is much more likely to end in an honest discussion then being angry or resentful about your child's attitudes and actions. judgments like "that was stupid" or "I thought I raised you better then that" only breeds frustration and mistrust. Kids always respond better to gentle guidance then they do to commands. They may not always make the choices you would have them make. However, they are much more likely to accept the reality of your divorce and adjust to the new situation if you give them time to come to their own conclusions, and give them the space they need to get their minds around the situation in an adult way.
Don't just get mad. Protect yourself by learning how to make your
divorce cheaper, fairer and a lot quicker. Get the info you need at http://www.yourlawlady.com or write to me for advice about your case at AskYourLawLady@yourlawlady.com
