When your husband has had an affair, you often think about what
might need to happen in order to get your life to even approach normal
again. You may not be sure what you want to happen with your marriage,
but you just want to feel normal without all of this painful conflict.
As you are pondering this, you might start thinking ahead to what it would take to save your marriage, should you chose that route. People often don't understand why their mind "goes there." It's confusing to them how they could be thinking about these things when they are so very angry at their spouse and don't even know if they want to stay married. I understand this, but looking back now, I think that we are just trying to determine what we might be up against. It's just human nature to want to look ahead in order to see how things might unfold.
Part of looking forward is wondering what might be needed from you if you should chose to save your marriage. You're wondering what your husband might want or expect from you. This can be the case even if you yourself don't know what it is what you want.
A wife's thought process might go something like this: "I am still reeling from finding out that my husband had an affair. I am still trying to figure out where I stand and what I want. My husband doesn't seem to really care what I want because he doesn't seem to know what he wants either. He says that many things would have to change. When he says this, it's almost as if he is implying that he is wanting to see some things from me in order to move forward. What do husbands typically want from wives after they have an affair?"
This is a tough question because frankly, I think it is more important what the faithful spouse wants and needs after the affair. Since the cheating spouse is the one who brought this mess unto the marriage, then I would think and believe that he would be the one who would need to worry about what lies ahead. That is the ideal, anyway. But I know that in real life, we don't always live the ideal. We have to make compromises so that everyone feels like they have gotten at least some of what they need.
Below, I'll tell you what some cheating husbands have indicated that they need. But, since I'm the one writing this article and it is my opinion coming through, I'm only going to include those wishes which I believe are fair. Because quite honestly, many cheating husbands really wish their wives would just forgive and forget immediately. I'm sure they think it would be very nice if their mistakes would just be wiped away. But that's not fair to the faithful spouse. And if you just brush this over, you aren't dealing with the issues that may have a real and lasting impact on your marriage in the future. I also want to stress that you need to explore what you want and what you expect from him. But here are the wishes that I alluded to.
To Be Open To A Brighter Future: Many cheating husbands are fully aware that this is all their fault. And frankly, many are willing to make this right with their wife again. Many realize that they may have to have patience, go to counseling, and jump through some hoops. And this can be OK with them. But what they do not want is a wife who is going to hold this over their heads for every day of the rest of their lives. They don't want to look at the future and imagine that their wife is going to relive this and punish them for their affair each and every day. Because if this is the reality, many would rather bow out before they even give it try. That isn't to say that they don't know that healing is going to take time. But they want to know that, assuming they do what they are supposed to do to help with healing, that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
A Willingness To Rebuild A Satisfying Marriage: This goes back to the same idea as above, but men want to know that one day, they can have an exciting and intimate marriage once again. They don't want to go through the motions and not have legitimate love, excitement, and intimacy in their lives. Yes, they know that rebuilding is going to take some time. Still, they want to know that the work is going to be with it and that they will have a strong marriage that would have been worth fighting for.
They Want You To Be Willing To Still See The Good In Them: One of the most common things a cheating man will say is something like: "I am not a bad person. I just made a mistake." Cheating men often have the hope that one day, you will consider all of the good things that they have done instead of just the one bad thing. They know that they are at fault in the here and now. But they hope that one day, you will allow them to get into your good graces once again, assuming that they do what they need to do in order to deserve it.
In short, what cheating husbands typically want most in terms of your marriage is feeling like they will one day have another chance with you as long as they do the healing work.
As you are pondering this, you might start thinking ahead to what it would take to save your marriage, should you chose that route. People often don't understand why their mind "goes there." It's confusing to them how they could be thinking about these things when they are so very angry at their spouse and don't even know if they want to stay married. I understand this, but looking back now, I think that we are just trying to determine what we might be up against. It's just human nature to want to look ahead in order to see how things might unfold.
Part of looking forward is wondering what might be needed from you if you should chose to save your marriage. You're wondering what your husband might want or expect from you. This can be the case even if you yourself don't know what it is what you want.
A wife's thought process might go something like this: "I am still reeling from finding out that my husband had an affair. I am still trying to figure out where I stand and what I want. My husband doesn't seem to really care what I want because he doesn't seem to know what he wants either. He says that many things would have to change. When he says this, it's almost as if he is implying that he is wanting to see some things from me in order to move forward. What do husbands typically want from wives after they have an affair?"
This is a tough question because frankly, I think it is more important what the faithful spouse wants and needs after the affair. Since the cheating spouse is the one who brought this mess unto the marriage, then I would think and believe that he would be the one who would need to worry about what lies ahead. That is the ideal, anyway. But I know that in real life, we don't always live the ideal. We have to make compromises so that everyone feels like they have gotten at least some of what they need.
Below, I'll tell you what some cheating husbands have indicated that they need. But, since I'm the one writing this article and it is my opinion coming through, I'm only going to include those wishes which I believe are fair. Because quite honestly, many cheating husbands really wish their wives would just forgive and forget immediately. I'm sure they think it would be very nice if their mistakes would just be wiped away. But that's not fair to the faithful spouse. And if you just brush this over, you aren't dealing with the issues that may have a real and lasting impact on your marriage in the future. I also want to stress that you need to explore what you want and what you expect from him. But here are the wishes that I alluded to.
To Be Open To A Brighter Future: Many cheating husbands are fully aware that this is all their fault. And frankly, many are willing to make this right with their wife again. Many realize that they may have to have patience, go to counseling, and jump through some hoops. And this can be OK with them. But what they do not want is a wife who is going to hold this over their heads for every day of the rest of their lives. They don't want to look at the future and imagine that their wife is going to relive this and punish them for their affair each and every day. Because if this is the reality, many would rather bow out before they even give it try. That isn't to say that they don't know that healing is going to take time. But they want to know that, assuming they do what they are supposed to do to help with healing, that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
A Willingness To Rebuild A Satisfying Marriage: This goes back to the same idea as above, but men want to know that one day, they can have an exciting and intimate marriage once again. They don't want to go through the motions and not have legitimate love, excitement, and intimacy in their lives. Yes, they know that rebuilding is going to take some time. Still, they want to know that the work is going to be with it and that they will have a strong marriage that would have been worth fighting for.
They Want You To Be Willing To Still See The Good In Them: One of the most common things a cheating man will say is something like: "I am not a bad person. I just made a mistake." Cheating men often have the hope that one day, you will consider all of the good things that they have done instead of just the one bad thing. They know that they are at fault in the here and now. But they hope that one day, you will allow them to get into your good graces once again, assuming that they do what they need to do in order to deserve it.
In short, what cheating husbands typically want most in terms of your marriage is feeling like they will one day have another chance with you as long as they do the healing work.
I am pretty sure that my husband had all of these hopes,
although he may not have gotten these things as early as he wanted. In
good time, he did get them though. And I am glad we made the effort
because no one wants the life and the marriage that is less than they
deserve and that includes the faithful spouse. You can read more on my
blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
